As I've grappled with accepting my bipolar diagnosis, I've been thinking a lot about where it came from. Did it suddenly pop up in the last few years out of no where? Did I "catch it" in my teens? Sometime after my children were born? But, the more I read about this illness and the more I think about my childhood, I have come to the conclusion that I was "wired" with bipolar from birth. I may have managed it more or less effectively at various times of my life, but the symptoms have been present since before the time I was riding the little helicopter rides at the fair.
My earliest memories include the use of very "black and white" thinking. If you do something wrong, you are bad and are not likeable or loveable. This would make sense if I grew up in a household where this type of belief was preached, but I did not. I have very loving parents who preached unconditional love. I watched my brothers get in trouble all the time and end up having consequences, but always loved and accepted no matter what. It was my own brain somehow that came up with this belief. I was considered shy as a child--to the point of needing to see a social worker. But I was not really shy, just completely fearful I would say the wrong thing--something that would offend on accident or not be polite enough. I was an extremely anxious child, as well. I never sat still--had to be moving and had a terrible time sleeping. My parents tried to funnel this energy into gymnastics and dance classes for me--helpful, yet fed into my "black and white" thinking. If I wasn't the best or could not do things perfectly, then I was an awful, bad person. I would "read" coaches, teachers, parents, friends to see if I was "okay" with them constantly. I remember following my Mom around the house for a month asking her "Do you love me?" I'd follow her to the next room..."Do you still love me now?" John McManamy, author of Living Well With Bipolar and Depression, recently blogged about the concept of a person with bipolar seeing 28 when others see 4. What he basically talks about is that people with bipolar are not able to filter out a lot of excess information (usually emotions) and their brains jump to places further ahead than necessary or even logical. If my Mom happened to have a rough day or was frustrated with something, my brain immediately jumped to "what did I do--what have i done--how will i live if she does not love me now?" And this was all before the age of 5......
Despite my Mom's constant assurances that I would forever be loved, my brain and body began experiencing a new type of hell--panic attacks and insomnia. I did not know how to turn off my brain or stop worrying. Racing thoughts led to rapid breathing and heart racing and paralyzing fears of something happening to someone in my family. Some OCD behaviors turned up--attached myself to family members--insisting I ride with them if they were going somewhere because my brain said they would be safe if I was with them. And this was all before the age of 7....
On my next post, I'll talk about 7 on, but until then, be good to yourself......
