I wish there was a switch I could find that would link directly to my brain. Not an "on/off" switch--I need more of a dimmer type switch.
I think I can physically feel, at times (like right now), the neurotransmitters firing and bouncing off of each other so fast that it hurts. It's at these times that I have a distinct urge to hit my head against a wall. I have no idea why that is my instant self-harm method of choice, but it is. While some people think about cutting themselves or drinking themselves into numbness, I want to hit my head. The funny thing is that I've only done it once--many years ago and it did not do anything but give me a giant goose egg and headache. Still, I want to do it and always wonder if I could just hit it hard enough to shake things up and realign whatever is misaligned up there. My brain is on overdrive and feels like a fuse will blow soon and everything will just shut down.
At other times, my brain feels like it is stuck in cement. Everything is a chore. Having to remember my own name feels as difficult as solving a quadratic equation. Having to put on a happy face is torture. Sometimes other peoples' voices sound just like the teacher on the Snoopy cartoons and I can't focus--it is too much work.
I want the dimmer switch that can bring me right where I need to be. Alert yet calm and feeling connected. I'll find it soon, but until then, I'm hanging in there--
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