Klonopin: Friend or Foe

I just returned from an amazing trip with my husband and my two little girls to be a part of my younger brother's wedding out of state. The weather was beautiful, the girls cooperated and were fantastic flower girls, I made it down the aisle as a bridesmaid without tripping or pulling any type of AFV stunt and the two families seemed to have a truly wonderful time together celebrating a young couple who, in my opinion, have all that they need to make it in the long haul. Through sickness, joblessness, joyfulness, ups and downs--they have endured already, I know they can handle anything--with a smile or a playful joke no less. My problem is that I felt as if I was watching the entire 3 day celebration (rehearsal, actual wedding day, and beach party afterward) in a dream state and remember very little of the details. I am uploading pics from my camera right now and they all look foreign to me. I felt like I had too much to drink all three days (I don't drink), and that either my husband, my Mom or my sister-in-law had to help me get where I needed to be. It's a horrible feeling to be in your mid 30s and feel so lost. My current meds (anti-depressant and mood stabilizer) leave me a bit foggy to begin with. I have the option to take Klonopin to help with anxiety when needed. My dilemma was this: let the travel, the being in the right places at the right time (particularly with little kids), the sleeping in a different place,the pressure to be social to both people you know and don't know, the regular strong emotions that sneak up on you at any wedding-particular a close family member over take me or let the Klonopin help me out. I chose to let the Klonopin help me out, but did it? I am so sorry to my amazing, loving brother and his gorgeous, most thoughtful bride that I was present but not fully "present" at their important day as they have played such large roles in big days in my life. Currently, I have 3 weeks until I can make an insurance change which will enable me to change doctors and enter an intensive outpatient treatment program and, hopefully, get all these medications straightened out. In the meantime, I'm going to keep remembering my little girls' faces and how much they count on me to get better. If you are reading this and have felt this way, hang in there. If you haven't felt this way, most likely you know someone who has. Either way, be good to yourself.